S01E01 The Successful Comeback
- September 20, 1982
We are introduced to the characters in and around Madame's life as she prepares for the latest taping of her syndicated TV talk show. At the end of this hectic day, Madame's niece Sara Joy arrives from their native Georgia, determined to crack show business and requesting that her aunt put her up until she does
S01E02 This is Her Past
- September 21, 1982
Sara Joy begins pounding the pavement in Hollywood; After being sawed in half by the world's most incompetent magician, Madame finds herself the surprise honoree on "This Is Your Life."
S01E03 A Bath for Eddie
- September 22, 1982
A neighborhood boy whom Madame once babysat returns to visit her, but he has grown into a popular television evangelist. He tries to save Madame's soul while she tries to get him back in the bathtub.
S01E04 Pinky's Diary
- September 23, 1982
Bernadette books a ladies' marching band on the show without Madame's approval; Buzz and Sara Joy submit Pinkerton's diary for publication, which divulges his long-ago affair with Madame. When the book sells, Pinkerton is torn between the generous cash advance and his loyalty to Madame.
S01E05 The Big Cage
- September 24, 1982
A rash of robberies in the neighborhood leads Madame to install a home security system. Unfortunately, as she's testing it out, a metal cage descends upon her from above and locks her in -- fifteen minutes before she's due on stage.
S01E06 Not Even in a Dream
- September 27, 1982
No sooner does Solaria, a psychic, predict that Madame is fated to have a baby than a bundle of joy is found on the doorstep of the mansion.
S01E07 Movie Stars and Producers
- September 28, 1982
It's dueling divas when guest star Debbie Reynolds does a life-sized impression of Madame on the show; Sara Joy admits that the baby found on Madame's doorstep is hers, and the need to earn money leads her to accept a role in a pornographic film.
S01E08 One Catastrophe Follows the Other
- September 29, 1982
Madame and Bernadette have a falling out after Solaria conducts a seance to make contact with Bernadette's deceased husband; Sara Joy reveals that she is not the true mother of the infant found on Madame's doorstep, and that she has been protecting the baby's real mother, a friend of hers from Dawson, Georgia.
S01E09 Naked All-Star Bowling Competition
- September 30, 1982
As the standoff between Madame and Bernadette rages on, the household falls into disarray; Sara Joy's friend Patty Sue takes ownership of the infant found on Madame's doorstep and heads back to Dawson, Georgia; on her show, Madame spotlights a Japanese comedienne who does uncanny impressions of Leslie Caron, Hermione Gingold, Katharine Hepburn, Sandra Dee and Shirley Temple.
S01E10 Intimate and Embarrassing
- October 1, 1982
Madame and Bernadette reconcile, and the household returns to order -- until Madame becomes indisposed, at which point a scramble ensues to find a substitute host for that evening's show. With all of Tinseltown RSVP'd to a party hosted by Sammy Davis, Jr., Madame prepares Bernadette to take center stage.
S01E11 Buzzy's Puberty
- October 4, 1982
Concerned over Buzzy's adolescent crush on Sara Joy, Madame intervenes with the boy's self-involved show-biz parents, but her plan backfires when Buzzy runs away; Anthony Newley appears on Madame's show, where the two duet to "The Candy Man."
S01E12 A Divine Diva
- October 5, 1982
After winning the Irish Sweepstakes, an eccentric, formerly homeless woman named Cora moves in next door to Madame. When the snooty neighbors protest, Madame goes the Pygmalion route to teach Cora how to behave like a lady of means.
S01E13 The Blushing Bride
- October 6, 1982
To boost ratings, Madame sponsors an on-air "Marry Madame" contest to find the man who will become her seventh husband; an extremely talkative Charles Nelson Reilly pays a visit to Madame's show, barely letting her get a word in edgewise.
S01E14 In Love, Engaged, Crazy
- October 7, 1982
Bernadette, Pinkerton and Sara Joy take an instant dislike to Madame's new fiancé, but when Madame remains blind to his mercenary nature, they conspire to reveal his true colors.
S01E15 The Barbarian in the Boudoir
- October 8, 1982
When Madame and con-man Dwayne Kellogg elope to Mexico, Pinkerton, Sara Joy and Bernadette spring into action to stop the wedding before it's too late; the outspoken Mr. Honest fills in for Madame on her show while she's away.
S01E16 The Prey of Madness
- October 11, 1982
Depressed and behaving erratically in the wake of her ruptured engagement to Dwayne Kellogg, Madame refuses professional help -- until Bernadette engages celebrity psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers; on her show, Madame introduces comics Fred Willard and Dave Workman.
S01E17 Duck Good, All Good
- October 12, 1982
Dr. Joyce Brothers continues her in-depth analysis of Madame, which reveals a long-standing pattern of choosing the wrong men in her life; Pinkerton comes clean with Madame about his feelings for her, twenty-five years after their breakup.
S01E18 Who Laughs Last?
- October 13, 1982
Against her better judgment, Madame allows a vitriolic reporter to follow her with a camera for a TV expose that completely misrepresents her; inebriated comic Foster Brooks unexpectedly wanders onto the stage of Madame's show.
S01E19 I Am What I Am
- October 14, 1982
A famous Italian director asks Madame to appear in his latest film, which leads her to question staying in television; Madame spars with guest star Betty White on her show.
S01E20 Come Fly with Me
- October 15, 1982
A deranged fan gains entrance to the mansion; Tab Hunter is interviewed by Madame on her talk show, though she repeatedly confuses him with other famous 1950s heartthrobs.
S01E21 The Golden Mousetrap
- October 18, 1982
Madame's neighbors launch a petition to prevent her from running her show on their street, and Madame finds an unlikely ally in an awkward, introverted inventor.
S01E22 Barbra Streisand's Nose
- October 19, 1982
A dip in Madame's ratings indicates that she has fallen out of touch with the youth market. Feeling past her prime, Madame goes punk and takes part in a youth protest.
S01E23 The Caviar Poisoning
- October 20, 1982
Madame decides the only way to recapture her beauty is to undergo cosmetic surgery. She and Pinkerton then concoct a ruse that will allow her recuperation time without anyone discovering what's she's done. In response, the household leaps to the conclusion that Madame is on her deathbed.
S01E24 Hypnosis is Fun
- October 21, 1982
Solaria tries to hypnotize Madame out of a debilitating bout of insomnia, which causes Madame to fall into a post-hypnotic trance while interviewing a prominent women's rights activist.
S01E25 Other People's Garbage
- October 22, 1982
When Barney is fired from "Madame's Place," his replacement is a cutting-edge Canadian producer whose run of controversial, adversarial guests nearly drives Madame off the air.
S01E26 My Best Friend
- October 25, 1982
Madame hosts a reunion for one of the 'Whoopie Girls' from her speakeasy days, but the down-on-her-luck former vaudevillian likes mansion living so much that she shows no signs of leaving; Madame welcomes fellow southerner Toni Tennille to the show, but all of her questions pertain solely to the Captain.
S01E27 But Please, No Jokes
- October 26, 1982
After spending her life savings to record a single, Sara Joy quits her job to pursue a full-time singing career. When Madame rebukes her rash decision, her discouraged niece packs her bags and heads home to Georgia -- until Bernadette hears the record, which prompts Madame to introduce Sara Joy on her show.
S01E28 I Am the Star!
- October 27, 1982
When Madame is chosen Woman of the Year by the Fine Arts Guild, Bernadette and Pinkerton move into damage control mode, as the Guild reserves the right to withdraw the nomination if the recipient behaves in an undignified manner. Once it commences, the award ceremony devolves into a bona fide roast of Madame.
S01E29 Everyone Has Their Dream Role
- October 28, 1982
Sara Joy wants Madame to back the production of an esoteric play written by her untalented boyfriend from acting class; glamorous Eva Gabor guest stars on "Madame's Place," resulting in a fashionista duel between the two divas.
S01E30 Striptease Sensational
- October 29, 1982
A freak snowstorm brings Hollywood to its knees during sweeps week, forcing Madame to put her staff and family to work on that evening's show.
S01E31 My Lawyer, Please!
- November 1, 1982
Sara Joy hopes to make the Olympics gymnastics team; Madame's former producer sues her for firing him -- serving her subpoena through a dog act on the air -- but her longtime attorney appears to have entered senility.
S01E32 In Court on Friday
- November 2, 1982
Sara Joy promotes the career of a juggling street performer; Madame's trial continues, with the plaintiff threatening blackmail with a videotape from her foray into pornography.
S01E33 Inga's Spicy Meatballs
- November 3, 1982
Sara Joy takes the stand on Madame's behalf as the trial draws to a conclusion.
S01E34 Naked Lou From Malibu
- November 4, 1982
When Sara Joy ends her courtship with a love-'em-and-leave-'em nude artist's model, Solaria sets her up with her nephew, Pee Wee Herman.
S01E35 The Cousin Who Was Bette Davis
- November 5, 1982
Madame is paid a visit by her black sheep cousin Charley -- a man who transforms into Bette Davis whenever he hears the word 'trash.' When vacationing Pinkerton returns to the mansion, he falls for Charley in drag.
S01E36 The Common Fighting Machine
- November 8, 1982
Madame's sergeant nephew Lamar is temporarily restationed in Los Angeles, where he commandeers the mansion and puts the family through rigorous basic training; Frankie Avalon guest stars on Madame's show, where he shares his secrets for staying youthful.
S01E37 The Dressman
- November 9, 1982
Madame defies network executives when she hires a handsome but inept new announcer over their more seasoned candidates.
S01E38 No Fun Without Practice
- November 10, 1982
Madame invites her second husband and his new fiancée to lunch, then orders William Shatner off the set of her show when the Canadian actor cannot recite the United States pledge of allegiance.
S01E39 The Man is an Artist
- November 11, 1982
Madame hires a bargain basement interior designer who romances Bernadette to get a commercial deal on Madame's show.
S01E40 Between Delusion and Reality
- November 12, 1982
Believing the mansion is haunted, the household hires a local ghostbuster; Madame hosts comedian George Gobel on her show, and the two compete to see who has the worse memory.
S01E41 It's the Ghosts!
- November 15, 1982
Madame continues efforts to banish the ghosts of Groucho and Harpo Marx, whose practical jokes from beyond have the household up in arms; heartthrob John Schneider promotes his latest film and record album on Madame's show.
S01E42 Pinky's Shock
- November 16, 1982
An old flame of Pinkerton's returns after 22 years to disclose that they have a son together; comedian Dick Shawn appears as a guest on Madame's show.
S01E43 Fans and Fanatics
- November 17, 1982
Two teenagers from the Brooklyn chapter of Madame's fan club sneak into the mansion -- and then refuse to leave; comedian Marty Allen appears on Madame's show.
S01E44 Comedy, Sex, and Pathos
- November 18, 1982
Defeated and disillusioned by her inability get a role in a major motion picture, Madame decides to retire, throwing her talk show into disarray.
S01E45 Arlene Hoffman Arrives
- November 19, 1982
Pinkerton becomes addicted to a television soap opera; comedian Rip Taylor forces Madame to play straight man to him when he appears on her talk show.
S01E46 Fallow Talents
- November 22, 1982
Sara Joy is hypnotized into becoming more assertive, which turns into her a completely different person; Arsenio Hall appears on Madame's show.
S01E47 Do You Have Problem Areas?
- November 23, 1982
When a fan letter berates her physical appearance, Madame hires a makeover consultant who prescribes a complete overhaul; comedian Fred Travalena guest stars on Madame's show.
S01E48 Bankrupt and Suicidal
- November 24, 1982
The household goes to extremes to raise funds when the media reports that Madame is bankrupt; comedian Scatman Crothers guest stars on Madame's talk show.
S01E49 Do You Want to Meld With Me?
- November 25, 1982
An extraterrestrial steals into the mansion with the objective of "melding" with Madame so he can bring comedy back to his planet.
S01E50 The Stolen Portrait
- November 26, 1982
A bumbling inspector takes charge after Madame's iconic, life-size portrait is stolen.
S01E51 Chopper the Shocker
- November 29, 1982
While Pinkerton is on vacation, his twin brother, an uncultivated biker named Chopper, drops in to pay his respects; actor-singer Jerry Reed guest stars on "Madame's Place."
S01E52 A Poor Old Lady
- November 30, 1982
Madame is audited by the Internal Revenue Service, which becomes sticky when Mr. Honest shows up to throw light on every white lie she tells.
S01E53 The Nice Bernadette
- December 1, 1982
Mr. Honest seeks Madame's help in ferreting out the identity of his secret admirer; comedienne Alice Ghostley visits Madame's show, revealing their long-standing rivalry after decades of competing for the same roles.
S01E54 His Biggest Dream
- December 2, 1982
Feeling his midlife crunch, Pinkerton accepts an offer to train an up-and-coming female prizefighter.
S01E55 What Bliss, a Nun
- December 3, 1982
A nun moves in next door and is determined to perform on Madame's show.
S01E56 The Diet Guru is Coming
- January 31, 1983
After concluding that the residents of mansion are consuming too much junk food, Madame decides to hire a diet guru.
S01E57 #057
- February 1, 1983
S01E58 #058
- February 2, 1983
S01E59 #059
- February 3, 1983
S01E60 #060
- February 4, 1983
S01E61 #061
- February 7, 1983
S01E62 #062
- February 8, 1983
S01E63 #063
- February 9, 1983
S01E64 Bitten by the Vampire
- February 10, 1983
Everyone freaks out when Madame is transformed into a vampire by her eccentric new neighbor.