Chapter Text
She could still feel him wrapped around her in bed. The warmth of his body radiating behind her. The electricity of her skin pressed against his. Her back against his chest, his arms wrapped securely around her, his chin resting on top of her head. She felt safe and yet anxious. She drifted somewhere between half asleep and fully awake. She knew he wasn’t sleeping either. Neither could when they were on the eve of the fourth shinobi war.
“I need you to promise that you’ll come back to me,” he eventually said.
“Kakashi - ” her voice caught in her throat. They both knew she couldn’t promise that.
“Winning this war will mean nothing to me if I lose you in the process. I can’t let you - I won’t let you become another name on some monument.”
His left hand fiddled over top of hers and she felt him slip something onto her ring finger. Her eyes widened as she freed her hand to look at it. Two delicate bands of gold weaved in and out of each other, forming the ring around her finger.
Real or not real?
It was a question that Sorano Kotori had to ask herself every day. Ever since waking up from the Infinite Tsukuyomi and feeling as if her world had been tipped upside down, turned inside out, ripped apart and then clumsily reassembled.
Her memories of the present were as crisp as ever, but the muddled memories of the past - her real past - and the fake memories the Infinite Tsukuyomi implanted were at odds. When she had woken up in the makeshift medical unit outside the battle field, she had had to relive and grieve the deaths of her family, her teammates and her friends once more. She had no idea where she stood with Kakashi. She had dreamt that they were in love and - her heart twisted painfully at the thought of it. Instead, she had all these juxtaposing memories of him hurting her. Kakashi was absent by her bedside and Sakura knew her only as Captain Kotori. Those validated her suspicions.
Kotori no longer knew what was real or not. She no longer knew who she was. So she lost herself into the anonymity of being her ANBU identity, Hawk, once more. At least that was one constant in her life.
She felt her empty ring finger. Not real.It was a mantra that kept her footed in reality.
She forced herself up out of her bed. If she stayed, she would lose herself to heartache and let memories of things that had never happened wash over her. She needed to find something to occupy herself with. She had not yet been in Konoha for a full twenty-four hours and she was already itching to leave. There was still so much work left to do, so much damage to fix and rebel groups looking to gain power now that the great shinobi villages were weakened from the war. Konoha also needed the money from missions so they were continuing to accept them from across the land. Surely there was a mission that she could pick up. The ANBU Commander had dismissed her upon her return last night and said to report back in seven days and not a minute before. With the Black Ops out, that left the mission desk and her public identity.
She grabbed her few belongings from the ANBU bunker she had crashed in and made her way out of the underground labyrinth. She passed through one of the hidden passageways that connected to the Hokage Tower. She slipped by unnoticed as she approached the mission desk.
Iruka glanced up at her. “No.”
“You don’t even know why I’m here.”
“Sakura has your name on the grounded list for the next thirty-six hours. You have acute chakra exhaustion and three cracked ribs.”
“Seems a bit excessive,” Kotori replied. She felt fine. The ribs were hardly noticeable and acute chakra exhaustion was just part of life as an ANBU. “I’ve done missions with worse. Don’t you need all hands on deck?”
“Forty-eight hours then.”
“Excuse me?”
“Every time you protest, I’m adding another twelve hours because clearly you have a concussion if you think you’re going out there before you’ve healed. Go. Home.”
She glared at Iruka for another minute only to be met back with his unflinching gaze. She realized it was a futile effort as he stood his ground against dozens of academy students every day. It was fine, there were other ways to get a mission. She just had to find a team that needed an extra pair of hands.
Kotori walked out of the Hokage Tower and surveyed around her. The last time she had been in the village, it had still been under construction from the damage Pain had wrecked during the invasion. Things seemed to be under control now. A group of genin were repairing a roof under the supervision of their jonin instructor. A woman worked in her garden with a pair of small children. The streets were bustling with civilian and shinobi alike. Trees were starting to bud, a sign that spring was nearly upon them.
How long had it been since the war ended then? Four months? Five? She had been on back-to- back-to-back missions. She had thrown herself into the task of hunting down the remaining Zetsu after the war. The moment she came back to the village, she would report to her commander and then leave on another mission as soon as possible. She hadn’t spent more than a single night here at a time. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen Konoha in the daytime.
She leaned against the tree and formed the bird seal, her mind slipping into her chakra bird network as she searched the village through her birds’ eyes. The ability to form chakra birds and use them to spy had been her clan’s secret technique. Over the years, Kotori had created tens of thousands across the elemental nations. It only took chakra to initially create them and then later if she needed to call upon them. They mostly lay dormant, collecting intel for when she needed it. She also thought they were cute and added something to Konoha’s local fauna. It was pleasing to hear them chirping in the trees.
Chika dee dee dee
Excellent. Tenzo was still in the village. Surely he would have something for her. He wasn’t someone to sit idle for long. She hoped for a good long track and capture mission. She stretched her arms above her head as she set off to find him. According to her birds, he was in the newly rebuilt training ground three.
“Morning Tenzo!” She singsonged as she stepped into the training grounds. Only to realize that he wasn’t alone. Naruto and Sakura curiously glanced between her and their captain.
“It’s Yamato,” he carefully spoke. “Can I help you?”
Kotori froze in place, the blood draining from her face. She knew Tenzo. She knew she knew Tenzo. They had gone on countless missions together over the years. She had been assigned to Team Ro when she made ANBU over a decade ago. That couldn’t have been fabricated in the Infinite Tsukuyomi. He had lived down the hall from her in the jonin complex. Her heart sped up as she sorted through her memories. It couldn’t have been all a lie.
But what if it was all a lie? Panic started to rise and Kotori felt her throat start to close up.
A hand landed on her shoulder and quickly snapped her out of it. Tenzo - Yamato - seemed to recognize that she was distressed. There was a softness in his expression as his eyes scanned her reaction.
“This will be just a moment,” he told his team. He steered her away from them. Kotori could feel the curious glances from Sakura and Naruto burn into the back of her head.
“Sorry,” he explained, scratching the back of his head. “Current codename. I still haven’t explained my past to them. Is everything alright?”
“Sorry to intrude” she said. “I forgot you were working with Naruto. I was hoping you needed to assemble a team for a mission or something.”
“Ah, no,” he apologetically said. His hand ruffled the back of his hair. “My current assignment is to help Naruto adjust to his new arm and pass the chunin exams. You’re welcome to join us.”
“You seem to have it handled,” she said.
There was a small frown that tugged at the corners of his mouth as he stared at her for a moment. It was, admittedly, a little unnerving. More often than not, they had their ANBU masks on when they interacted. She didn’t like that he could read her so openly. This was a man who could notice minute changes in her posture and voice. Surely her face was like an open book.
“You can always report to the Hokage’s Tower, I’m sure Kakashi-senpai would appreciate the help.”
Her heart pounded at the casual mention of Kakashi. She wanted to ask more, but knew Tenzo would immediately catch on.
“Paperwork?” she said, feigning disinterest. “I’m not that desperate.”
“You haven’t been in Konoha for more than a night’s rest in months, maybe you should relax. The village is recovering and things are starting to return to normal.”
“I suppose,” she said, subconsciously wrapping her arms around her stomach. The thought of spending two days idle in the village was a terrifying one.
“I’m around if you need anything,” Tenzo said. There was a note of hesitation in his voice. “Why don’t we grab dinner tonight, catch up?”
“Who are you and what have you done with Tenzo?"
There was a chuckle at that. Tenzo had always been socially distant. While Kotori considered him a friend - or was he? So much of their friendship had been built around Kakashi - he tended to stay behind a wall of professionalism.
“I’ll come find you later,” Tenzo decided.
With nothing left to do, Kotori rented out one of the training fields close to the forest. With all the missions she had been running, she had been neglecting her taijutsu training again. Her specialty was in reconnaissance as well as internal security, but she had a repertoire of long range ninjutsu for combat. It wouldn’t do to grow complacent.
Hours after she worked herself to exhaustion, she collapsed under one of the trees. The cracked ribs were more agitated than ever and she hissed as she lowered herself. She didn't want to go anywhere near the hospital least Sakura find out and ground her further. Kotori wished she had had the foresight to bring a lunch. She had been existing on solider pills and mission rations for months. Her apartment had been destroyed during Pein’s explosion and she hadn’t had time to find a new one so she had been crashing in the ANBU barracks, whatever remained of her few worldly possessions safe in her locker. So it wasn’t like she had a place to store groceries even if she were here long enough to eat them.
She noticed she had lost some of her muscle mass. The exercises seemed more strenuous than they had before. No wonder Tenzo looked worried. He probably wanted to make sure she actually ate something. She should make her way into the village and pick up something. Real food prepared in an actual kitchen would be nice, she mused. As she tried to find the will to get up, she was interrupted.
Chika dee dee dee
Kotori glanced up at the tree. There were few people in the village who knew how her chakra birds worked and they would only contact her in the case of an emergency. She held her fingers in the bird seal as she focused on the chakra bird. Her mind tunnelled through the network of birds that she had created until the found the one trying to rely information to her.
Tenzo was crouched in a tree next to her bird. “The Rusty Kunai. Tonight. Twenty hundred hours. I’ve gathered the rest of the team. You’re coming or I’ll track you down myself.”
She groaned as she released the seal. That was not what her birds were for. It also seemed that dinner plans got corrupted into drinks. She wondered which of her former teammates was responsible for that.
She didn’t have to think too hard. It was probably Yugao’s doing. Perhaps it would do her some good to see her team again. There was a little bit of nervous excitement. Perhaps she could fill in some of the gaps in her memory tonight. Genma was a good source of gossip and the boys never held back when they teased her. As far as she could remember her current team had been together for a few years and had been officially disbanded before the fourth war when they had been separated to different divisions. In the months after, they had been assigned to whatever mission could use them with so many of their people dead or injured.
The Rusty Kunai was a bar with a questionable reputation on the outskirts of the village. The staff were known to turn a blind eye to underage chunin and jonin. The general attitude was that if you were old enough to wear the vest, then you were old enough to have a drink. The floors seemed permanently sticky. Every table and chair had multiple nicks and scratches from bar fights and knives. In fact, the tables had been bolted down over the years as a preventative measure. And like a co*ckroach, it managed to escape Pain’s destruction entirely unscratched. Or at least, not any more damaged than a regular Tuesday.
The remnants of their team were clustered in a booth when she got there later that evening. Tenzo and Utatane Satoshi were on one side while Inuzuka Mimi was squashed between Nara Ryoku and Yamanaka Kouta on the other. Mimi’s ninken, a white and pink akita, laid underneath the table. Kotori tried not to see the ghosts of their team, the members they lost over the years or the members of a Team Ro from a different time. She could remember herself seated between Kakashi and Tenzo with Yugao across from them, laughing at something Genma said. Was it real or fake?
“Since when can you three go to a bar?” Kotori asked, gesturing towards the younger members of their group.
“You missed my birthday,” Ryoku smugly said. “I’m legal now.”
“Do they even care here?” Mimi airily asked. Her upper canines were visible as she grinned. There was a gleam in her eye, making her look almost feral. Kotori slide into the booth next to Tenzo and gratefully accepted the glass of sake he poured for her.
She let the chatter from her team wash over her as she observed everyone's interactions. Ryoku grumpily retreated into himself, only to be provoked into bickering with Kouta. Kouta happily recounted a date he scored with a pretty medic. Satoshi started a running commentary on the different types of whiskey that absolutely no one was paying attention to. Mimi tried to make Tenzo uncomfortable with her flirtatious jokes.
“We’ll be back,” Tenzo waved them off as he gestured for Kotori to let him out of the booth. Kotori didn’t realize how much she had been drinking until she stood up and felt a head rush. She swayed as Tenzo guided her to the bar. The two of them took a seat as they waited to get the bartender’s attention.
Tenzo seemed relaxed. Kotori glanced at him from the corner of her eye. “You’ve changed. It’s - it’s a good change.”
He closed his eyes and there was a peaceful smile on his face. “Naruto has taught me more than I’ve ever been able to teach him.”
“I hear he has that effect on people,” Kotori agreed.
Tenzo gave her a funny look. “You’ve met him before. That’s twice today - why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”
“Eh?” She tried to play dumb.
“Either I can pry it out of you with sake or Aimi-san can when I tell her you’re back in the village and haven’t seen her yet.”
Kotori wasn’t sure if that was a threat to take her to Torture and Interrogation or not. Yamanaka Aimi was both a member of Morino Ibiki’s team as well as her best friend. She had several ways of extracting Kotori’s secrets, but her most popular one was a good old fashioned heart-to-heart. And when all else failed, she was not above snooping around in Kotori’s mind when she thought she wasn’t looking. There was a reason Kotori had been avoiding her.
“I’m not a spy, if that’s what you’re implying. I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately.”
“Alcohol then,” Tenzo said, catching the attention of the bartender at last. “There's something going on with you, and I'm not the only one who's concerned. You've been throwing yourself into mission after mission and it’s not healthy. You know that. You’ve seen what happens to ANBU agents who get too deep and lose themselves. I can’t believe - f*ck, Kotori. We’re not going to sit by and let you do that to yourself. So you can tell me, or Aimi-san, or Kakashi-senpai or whoever you need to tell. Whatever happened out there - ”
She buried her face in her hands before tears started slipping out. Damn Tenzo and his sake. He must have known she got emotional when she was drunk. He had probably been counting on that when he invited her out tonight. She was small and light enough that it didn’t take much. However she was also trained in resisting interrogation attempts. She had resisted much worse. So she had no idea what Tenzo was playing at, but he would give her alcohol poisoning before she said anything she didn’t want to say.
She felt his hand on her shoulder as he hesitantly said her name. “Kotori?”
“If I promise to talk to Aimi-chan tomorrow, will you promise to stop trying to get me wasted?”
“I don’t make promises I can’t keep.” The words were light and he probably meant them in a joking manner. Still, they cut right through her heart. The dream from this morning still all too real.
“I should probably get home.” She clumsily hoped off of the bar stool.
“Kotori - wait!”
He reached out to grab her arm, but she shook him off. She just wanted to be left alone. Approaching Tenzo had been a mistake. There had been a reason she was living as Hawk and not as Sorano Kotori these past few months. Her friends knew her too well. That much hadn’t changed in one reality or another. There was no mending this; there was too much hurt and loss all at once and she didn’t know how to cope with it again. She didn’t know how to face them without putting on her brave, cheerful face and more than ever, that face was a literal porcelain hawk mask rather than a metaphorical one.
She stumbled as she turned around and fell into someone. Arms reached out and caught her with lightning fast reflexes.
“I’ve got you,” came a voice that haunted her dreams. Kotori’s heart stopped as she glanced up into Kakashi’s eyes. Then she fainted as a million memories hit her at once.
